Planning a session? Here's how to ask for what you want.

Traditional dating is a process that often feels as if it's completely out of our control.

Whether you're hanging out in a bar hoping to catch someone's eye, dropping hints to that friend you're interested in being romantic with, or trying to come up with your next line on Tinder, courtship is full of uncertainty. Either you or the other person could call the whole thing off at any time. Even if things progress, there's no guarantee you'll both share the same values, love the same movies, or enjoy the same sexual activities. You simply have to hope for the best.

Seeing sex workers, however, tips the scales a little in your favour. Because you're paying for a service, it's much more acceptable to ask for what you want.

When I used to do brothel work, I'd often meet guys who loved having options. They'd sit in the reception area, meet the workers one by one, then consider things carefully. "If I go out to pick up, I usually have to wait for a woman to choose me," one guy said, "It's nice to be able to choose sometimes too."

This ability to have more of a say extends to escort encounters too. Apart from the obvious, such as the booking date and how long you spend with your professional, there's also the opportunity to request specific services, activities, fantasies, and even outfits. If there's a sexy scenario you have in mind, this is your chance to make your dreams come true!

Common requests include:

• The type of session you want - for example, raunchy versus romantic and cuddly.
• Specific sexual activities - such as kissing, sex toys, or kink play.
• Non-sexual activities - you can ask your escort to see a movie with you, or take a stroll through the park, for example
• Manner of dress - do you prefer high glamour or casual attire? Often it's possible to ask.
• Specific costumes - if you fantasise about white lingerie or a naughty nurse outfit, for example, your escort might be able to arrange this.

Sounds almost too good to be true, right? But before you whip out your notebook and start making a list of demands, there are a few things you need to know first.

Although you're the customer, your escort still has the final say. After all, we're people, not robots. Although sex pros are generally very accommodating, we all have our own needs, and preferences. If a client requests a sexual act I don't offer, I'll say no - and might even refer them to another worker who does supply that service. Similarly, I'll turn down specific costume or clothing requests if I feel the suggestion won't look good on me, or if it's something that will make me feel awkward. Not everyone feels sexy in a French maid costume!

So making requests isn't simply about presenting an escort with your list of demands. Rather, it's helpful to ask first during the booking process.

Here are a few tips for making requests.

First, make sure it's safe to ask.

In some places (especially the ones where sex work is criminalised), talking about sex in your booking request is a big no-no. In this case, you can't request specific sexual acts, because it will make your escort feel unsafe - and they'll probably refuse your booking. This rule also applies to asking for things like 'natural oral' (a blow job without a condom) in places where it's prohibited. If you bring it up, you'll look suspicious and might not get a reply.

Focus on what's most important to you.

Sometimes clients are tempted to micromanage - they detail every little thing they hope will happen during the session, so that their booking request reads like a stage production.

This isn't the best way. Good sex is very much about letting things happen in the moment. If you try to control every minute, you'll destroy the fun and spontaneity of the experience.

There’s a limit to how many requests we can fulfil in one booking. Keep it simple - request two or three things that important to you, and let the rest of the encounter flow naturally. This might mean, for example, requesting a specific style of session or activity, and a specific set of lingerie. But that's it - don't be tempted to pad out your request with minor details and specifications, or your escort will be worn out before you even meet, and you'll get an unenthusiastic service.

Consider your escort's comfort and convenience

Some requests are easier to fulfil than others. If you ask for a specific set of lingerie you’ve seen in your escort's advertising images, great. But if you ask for a complicated fantasy costume that they don't already own, you may be turned down - or required to pay extra.

I used to have a client who was very much into women's bathing costumes. He had very specific requirements, and I had to hunt all over the Internet to find what he wanted. Luckily, he was  aware of the effort I'd be putting into his costumes, and he offered to pay a good deal extra for that service. I was always happy to see him, because he was so respectful of my time and energy.

Not all escorts look good in heavy eyeliner and false eyelashes. Not all of us love short dresses or six-inch heels. Some escorts feel silly in costumes. Unless you want to spend time with a worker who feels awkward and awful, it's worth asking for our input on dress and makeup - we know what suits us, and most of the time we're happy to offer recommendations.

If you're worried your request might be difficult or inappropriate, you may wish to check in: "I've been fantasising about this particular costume, but I'm worried it might be too much effort or make you feel awkward. What are your thoughts?"

If a worker says 'no', don't take it personally.

If you can have the discussion, asking up front is important. If an escort don’t offer what you need, you’ll be able to move on and try someone else.

It may feel discouraging to hear 'no'. You might worry that you're being judged. But that's not the case. Sex workers are used to hearing all sorts of requests - you won't embarrass us, and it's very unlikely we're judging you. Rather, we'd simply prefer to spend time doing the activities we enjoy too.

If an escort turns your idea down, don't attempt to talk them into it; try someone else. You're going to have much more fun when you find the right person.

Those who fail to plan, plan to fail...

...and unless you're specific about the kind of session you want, it simply might not happen.

But spending time with a sex worker also needs to feel natural. So at the end of the day, it's all about finding that balance between planning and 'going with the flow'. If you focus on one or two essentials, communicate clearly, and consider your escort's needs too, you're much more likely to get what you want.