How much contact is too much?

Feeling the urge to text 'good morning' to your favourite sex worker? Read this first.

The sex industry is a business unlike any other. It's all about making money, of course...but it's also about building personal relationships. From an escort's advertising and social media, to the way they talk to clients, showing that they care is essential.

When it comes to contacting escorts, the personal nature of the biz sometimes leads to confusion. It’s hard for clients to separate the personal from the commercial: most people aren't accustomed to treating commercial service providers as lovers, nor are they accustomed to treating their lovers as people who also need to make a living!

This means that you might sometimes feel the urge to reach out and chat with a worker you know, or see regularly. But this can sometimes lead to big problems...

Why too much contact is a bad thing.

There are a number of ways clients can make contact with escorts. You might send them an email, or fill out a form on their website. You might call their mobile, leave a voicemail, or send them a text message. Or you might interact on social media - Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter, for example.

You might be thinking , "What's the harm in a few texts here and there?" But contacting an escort with non-work-related requests can cause a lot of problems. We're busy people, after all, and having to reply to messages that aren't about actual sessions can drain our time and energy.

Here's what could happen, if you send too many messages:

• If you don't know them well, they might assume you're a time-waster (someone who wants their attention but won't ever book).
• If you're trying to arrange a booking, you might scare them off by overwhelming them with messages.
• If you've already spent time with the worker, getting in contact too much might give the impression you're getting too attached to them.
• If you've known someone for a long time as a regular, your calls and messages could be taking up the time they need for other clients.

Escorts can, and do, cut people off when they take up too much of our time. If you're stressing them out, or tiring them out, they'll block or ignore you. You might have trouble getting a booking with that person...or, if you're a regular, the escort might start avoiding you because you've worn them out.

So, how much contact is safe and appropriate? Here's my advice.

Strangers: Stay out of their DMs

Imagine you've been hanging out on Twitter or browsing escort blogs on the web. You've spotted someone you really like - is it okay to reach out, if you don't plan on asking for a booking?

My advice, usually, is no.

Escorts receive a lot of unsolicited contact - emails, text messages, and direct messages on Twitter and Facebook. People sometimes send offensive stuff, such as dirty talk or dick pics. But more often, it's simply someone lonely who wants to start a conversation.

Unfortunately, we don't often have the time to respond to all these requests. After all, we're running a business; unless we concentrate our time and effort on our paying customers, we'll lose our income.

If you don't know an escort well, stay out of their message inbox. Instead, interact with them in public spaces such as Twitter, or by leaving a comment on their blogs. Commenting publicly means you're not putting pressure on the worker to respond. It's a much more considerate way to share your thoughts.

New clients: Only communicate when you're arranging a booking.

Meeting someone new is exciting, and escorts are no exception. But if you're a new client, you need to keep the chit-chat to a minimum when you're arranging a session with an escort.

When you get in touch to request a booking, you need to provide the following information:

• A bit about you (your age and level of experience, for example)
• The date and time you'd like to meet the escort
• The desired booking length
• Where you'd like to meet (incall or outcall? Home or hotel?)

All these details need to be worked out fairly quickly, so that your escort knows you're genuine. If you spend too long on small talk, they may assume you're a time waster.

This is often an issue for guys who book via text message - they'll send an SMS saying 'hey' or 'how are you?', hoping to start the conversation gently. But this approach isn't professional. The best way to get things happening is to simply say, 'Hi, I'm getting in touch to request a booking at my hotel. Are you free on Thursday?'

Once your date with an escort is booked in, you might find yourself fantasising about the details as the day draws closer. You may be tempted to message your escort and tell them how horny you are, or how much you're looking forward to meeting them. But escorts are often too busy to engage in this kind of 'text message foreplay', and you'll end up tiring them out emotionally. When they do meet you, they won't be able to give you as enthusiastic a service.

There's an exception to this - some workers offer 'text' or 'sext' packages that allow you to engage in dirty talk or flirting in the lead-up to the session. This is a paid service, but if you enjoy this stuff, it's worth the investment.

Regular clients: Be mindful of your escort's emotional labour

For regular clients, things become a little more complicated.

Although seeing one escort in the long-term is a commercial arrangement, there can also be a lot of genuine connection and affection. It's still a personal relationship, even though it's business.

Escorts may be willing to give regular clients a little more time and attention, because you've already invested a lot into the relationship. But there are limits to this, and it's important to be aware of them.

It’s easy for the lines to become blurry, especially when feelings become intense. Sometimes clients forget that I’m a professional who must also attend to many other lovers. If I spend hours replying to non-booking-related emails, then I’m losing out on time I need to work on my business. Part of my service is that I don’t behave like a wife or a girlfriend – I can be available when it’s convenient, but not intrude at other times. This goes both ways, and I expect (and for the most part, receive) the same courtesy from my play partners.

It’s a bit of a ‘grey area’, because I really DO love hearing from my clients. I always send a thank-you email after a session if I’ve had fun, and I appreciate any feedback I get. Every now and then a client will get in touch with me after a break, or let me know of an important event that’s going on for them. I enjoy knowing they still think of me, and I like to stay up-to-date on their lives. I had a number of people contact me a couple of weeks ago, when a sex worker was involved in a terrorism-related incident in Melbourne (it wasn’t me, guys, but thanks so much for making sure I was okay!)

I will also sometimes email my past clients to say hi, or send out news of tours. Sometimes this communication is welcomed, and sometimes it isn’t. Not all of my clients have time to reply to my ‘how are you?’ emails: they lead busy lives. For this reason, I try to limit my contact to once a month or so, and I’m always respectful of any feedback I receive. If a client doesn’t have time to reply, I’m not offended. I know they are perfectly capable of getting in touch when the time is right for them.

Still not sure? Try asking your escort.

Is there a hard-and-fast rule for every situation? I don’t think so. We’re bound to mess it up occasionally, just the same as we do in any other relationship.

It’s important for everyone involved to have a say in what level of interaction is comfortable. Long-established clients may have a routine and know what’s acceptable due to years of communication. With newer clients, it’s harder to guess what’s appropriate, and I’d recommend being circumspect until you’ve worked out how much of my time is available. A polite request for less communication, or a long delay in replying, may be an indication that I don’t currently have time to discuss non-booking-related messages. It’s not personal, and my space should be respected. (Although, if it’s a booking enquiry and you don’t hear back, be sure to try again as sometimes an email might accidentally end up in my ‘spam’ folder!)

My advice is to err on the side of less rather than more, listen to feedback and understand that I am a person with my own life and right to privacy just the same as you.

And enjoy having a trustworthy, low-maintenance playmate in your life who will always be happy to see you.