I'm struggling to let go of a provider who won't see me again. Could you recommend anything to get over her and move on?

You’ve been seeing an escort who has told you she won’t see you again. You’re now struggling with this. Rather than simply moving on and choosing another provider, you're stuck in a place of sadness.

It’s not unusual for worker/client relationships to end. There are many reasons why a client might stop seeing a worker, or vice versa...but regardless of the reason, it's often a difficult experience. This is especially true if the client is a regular who has been seeing their worker for months, or years. Although it’s not a romantic relationship, a client/provider relationship can still feel significant, and losing it often feels like losing a friend or lover.

So, how do you move on?

It’s hard to give specific advice without knowing the details of your situation. Why did your escort decide to stop seeing you as a client? Perhaps you don’t know why and you wonder if you did something wrong. That could be a weight on your mind, for sure! Or perhaps you’ve crossed one of her boundaries and it’s very clear why you’re being refused service? In this case you may be feeling guilt or regret. Regardless of the reason, you might be wondering whether your worker will change their mind...or whether you can convince them to change their mind.

Let's talk about regular clients, why workers end these relationships, and what you can do about it.

What is a regular client?

A regular client (or ‘reg’) is anyone who has been seeing a sex worker (such as an independent escort or brothel worker) for a while. Some escorts define a regular as someone they see every week or month; for others, it’s more about how long they have known each other.

There are a lot of advantages to seeing the same worker repeatedly over time. It’s easier to get comfortable with someone you’ve met before! And when you've spent a lot of time together, connection and intimacy can increase and lead to even more enjoyable sex.

Long-term regulars often have deeply significant professional relationships with their providers, filled with trust and respect. But it’s not always this way. Sometimes a long-term attachment will give rise to strong feelings and a client crosses emotional boundaries by trying to date their worker outside of their paid time or demanding special treatment.

Why do escorts stop seeing their clients?

Over the years, I’ve received many emails from clients whose escorts have stopped seeing them. It’s not unusual for a worker to cut ties with a client, and there are many, many reasons that this can happen. Here are a few examples:

• Change in circumstances - the worker might be taking a break to focus on family, study, or another kind of work.
• Change in services offered - the worker might not want to offer the specific service that they know their client enjoys.
• Poor behavior from the client during the session - if a client is rude, has poor personal hygiene, or violates a worker’s consent, they may be refused service in the future. This could happen even if the worker has seen that client many times previously.
• Poor behavior from the client outside the session - invading a worker’s privacy by searching out their personal details, or sending them messages repeatedly without making a booking, for example.
• The client is getting too attached - if a customer is clearly becoming emotionally attached, a worker might cut off contact because it feels uncomfortable.

Although you haven’t given a reason for your escort's refusal, it seems like you miss her a lot and are having trouble moving on. So I’m going to guess that perhaps you became too emotionally attached. Let’s take a look at the ways inappropriate emotional attachment can cause problems, when you spend time with a sex worker.

Feelings: good. Attachment: bad.

When we spend time with someone, it’s normal to have feelings of liking, attraction, and affection for them. This is even more true when sexual intimacy is involved, and it’s especially true when you’ve known someone for a longer period of time.

I think feelings are essential for good sex. Our appreciation for the person we get sexy with is integral to our enjoyment of all the physical sensations we experience. But when you see sex workers regularly, it’s important to distinguish between well-boundaried feelings and poorly-contained emotional attachment.

A client with good boundaries will acknowledge their affection, but understand that their relationship with their escort is transactional. On the other hand, emotional attachment is less ‘affection and respect’ and more ‘romantic longing’. Clients who develop strong feelings for their companion might become convinced that their worker has the same feelings for them. They might fantasize about dating in real life. Often, they try to pressure the provider to meet up with them ‘off the clock’ or commit to a romantic relationship.

Is this you? Did you develop romantic feelings for your worker and start pressuring them to treat you differently? Perhaps you tried to chat with them on the phone outside of your dates or sent them a declaration of your love. Even if you didn’t do any of these things, your worker may have begun to sense the intensity of your emotions.

Too much emotional attachment can be a real problem for sex workers. Here are a few reasons why:

• Having our boundaries violated is scary. Clients who are too attaches sometimes try to 'date' their workers outside of the booking time. This can involve pressure to meet up outside the paid booking time. Or an escort might be pressured to reveal personal details, such as their legal name. Being in this situation feels scary (we value our privacy!)
• Dealing with a demanding client can be exhausting. Rather than wanting a romantic relationship, the client might instead demand special treatment from the worker, so that they feel reassured of their importance. More time, free meet-ups, services that the worker doesn't usually offer…you name it. For a sex worker, refusing these demands quickly becomes tiring.
• It just feels uncomfortable. Even if you haven’t done anything wrong, a perceptive escort can often sense that your feelings have gotten out of hand. It means we’ll be worrying about what you might do next…which leads to a tense, unenjoyable session.

When your paid time together becomes tense and unpleasant due to any of the above, a worker will sometimes refuse to see you again. You may receive a message saying you’re not welcome to re-book…or, when you reach out to arrange a meeting, you may simply never hear back.

What to do if your escort cuts off contact

If your favorite worker no longer wants to see you, what do you do next?

It’s a tough situation. You're sad about not being able to hang out with someone who feels special to you. And even though your escort isn’t your girlfriend, losing that relationship can be crushing! You might also feel bad about being rejected. Hearing ‘no’ often feels like a personal judgment, and you might spend hours or days wondering if there’s something wrong with you.

But losing people we care about is a natural part of life. And, when it comes to relationships (professional or personal) rejection is something we all experience too. It doesn’t mean you’re necessarily a bad person. It just means you have some work to do.

First, let’s talk about what not to do. Although it might be tempting to contact the provider over and over, asking them to change their mind, it’s the wrong move. Once an escort says, ‘no’, that decision is final.

The good news: there are still great things in life waiting for you. Although you can’t see that worker again, you can move on and find someone new…hopefully, after you have a better idea of what went wrong, to avoid the same problem in the future.

A few steps I recommend:

1. Think about what might have gone wrong. Are you feeling emotionally attached? Could you have done or said something that made your provider uncomfortable? Were you messaging too often between sessions, or overstaying your booking time? Take note of any mistakes, so you can avoid repeating them.
2. If you can’t figure out what you did wrong, make peace with that. There’s always the possibility that something is going on in your escort’s life, and it’s not about you. Rather than pestering them for answers, try to make peace with the fact that you’ll never know for sure.
3. Let go of the idea of ‘the one’. Your regular worker may have seemed like the only person you could really connect with. But there are many other sex workers out there who could provide you with a great experience. Be open to the possibility of finding someone else.
4. Look after yourself first. Sadness can't always be cured by jumping into bed with someone new. Take some time to do other activities you enjoy. Consider whether you might have a friend you can confide in...or write a comforting letter to yourself. If you're overwhelmed, a sex-positive therapist can help you get your head straight.
5. Start looking for other providers. Once you're in a better place (and you feel confident you can treat your next worker respectfully) take a look at who’s available. It will help take your mind off your previous companion…and hopefully, you’ll be able to meet someone else and have a more productive professional relationship this time around.

All of this is easier said than done, but it’s necessary. Just like when you're dating in the real world, nobody is obligated to spend time with you if they feel it’s not working. And although loss and rejection feel awful, learning to handle them is a skill we all need to practice throughout our lives.

So, whatever your escort's reasons for moving on, you need to accept it and find someone new.