Escorting taught me the secrets of sex and I wrote a book about it

Let me tell you a secret – I wasn’t always good in bed. In fact, before I began work as an escort, my sex life was a mess.

I was socially awkward. I didn’t know how to please others. And although I had a lot of sex in my twenties, most of it was unremarkable. I bounced from one hook-up to the next, never sure whether I was getting it right. Sometimes things went well… but sometimes they didn’t. Whenever I had bad sex, I blamed myself for getting it wrong, even though I had no idea how to make things right.

If you’re the kind of person that feels as though they’re always winging it in the bedroom, then you’ll understand what I mean. So many of us are just doing our best! But the truth is, sex is a learned skill like any other.

Sex work was my crash course in better encounters. From nervous first-timers to sexual adventurers who expanded my horizons, I began to learn from the work I did with my clients. I learned how to help people feel at ease, talk to them about sex, and communicate what I needed, too. Best of all, I learned that a one-off sexual encounter can be incredibly rewarding, even life-changing.

Ten years after I became an escort, I finally shared all my hard-earned knowledge, publishing a book called ‘The Art of the Hook-Up’. It’s a straightforward guide to a better sex life – all those skills I wish I’d known earlier.

I believe we could all be having great sex, if only we were open to doing things a little differently. It’s not as complicated as you might think! Here are a few key lessons I've learned.

Make friends with your date before you get naked

Great sex is all about connection – the sense of trust and understanding we have with our partners.

An amazing sex work session is a little like flying a plane: in order to ensure a smooth flight, you need a good take-off. That take-off is the effort we make to get to know each other before we're intimate.

Sometimes I meet clients who worry about making the most of their time and want to rush straight into the sex. But unless we’re connected, the physical stuff will feel mechanical and uninspiring. Whether it’s by talking on the phone before we meet, having dinner together, or sharing a glass of wine and a having chat at the start of the session, it’s essential to invest a bit of time into connecting with your date.

Sex is better when we talk about it

If you’re anything like me, you were raised to feel embarrassed by sex. For most of my life, I was far too shy to talk about it, especially in the bedroom.

But without talk, everything is guesswork. Everyone enjoys different activities and, because we're not mind readers, it's difficult to work out if we’re doing the things that will satisfy our partners. This anxiety (and fear of failure) can ruin an otherwise great sexual experience.

Talking about what we need makes things easier. Rather than having to guess, you can simply ask. It might feel strange at first, but saying ‘How does that feel?’ or ‘How could this be even better?’ gives you the information you need to kiss someone with perfect technique, touch them exactly how they like, and get them off.

Asking is easier than guessing. And it’s not hard to do, once you get past the initial awkwardness. The sooner you talk about it, the sooner everyone can get on with giving each other exactly what they want.

There’s nothing wrong with walking away

We’re all used to that ‘walk of shame’, that day-after feeling of guilt.

Often, sex outside long-term relationships is considered less worthy. We feel embarrassed to have casual sex, as though we’ve done something wrong. All of this negativity means that even when the sex was great, we often still feel bad afterward.

I’ve heard the saying, ‘you don’t pay a sex worker for sex, you pay them to leave afterward’ and in many ways it’s true. Escorts are excellent at leaving with grace; giving you a smile, a kiss on the cheek, and a parting compliment to reassure you that we enjoyed your company. I wish more clients knew how to do this too. Often, it’s the opposite – they hurry away, faces creased with worry, making awkward small talk.

When we act as though our sexual escapades are shameful, we do our partners a disservice. It’s much better to hold your head high, show your appreciation with a ‘thank you,’ and walk away as though you’ve done something magnificent…because you have!

No matter who you are, you can have great sex

My job has taught me that we’re all capable of being amazing lovers. It’s not about being young, fit, or conventionally attractive… it’s just about making an effort and treating your sexual escapades with the respect they deserve. The right skills (and the right attitude) can take your sex life from uninspiring to satisfying.

Want to read my book? Click here to find out more about 'The Art of the Hook Up'.